Boob Tube lies

Stop what you are doing! I have an important message that you may or may not believe. Ready for this? The TV has lied to us! "Say it ain't so!" you cry out to your computer monitor as you read this?! Well after all of these years of watching the mighty television trying to find anything that might perhaps be a hint of falsehood I have finally found the proof. They have lied to us about child birth! YES they have! You always see the scene of the nicely coverd up lady, giving birth, lying on her back, pushing as the doctor hides under a tarp waiting for the big catch. All of this while the dad stands in the lobby smoking cigars and celebrating. Well here are some excellent "Wake up calls" from thine own birthing class book. I found 4 examples in this book of birthing positions that you never knew existed.

Now that this lie has been exposed, I am excited to see what one my dear sweet wife will choose. Start your bets now!

MUST be four- cool no more

I remember having a really cool car...even several really cool cars. I used to know what was a sweet rare jeep to own and what size lift and tires I could stuff on it or what engine was in a MkII VDub. Yea that was hip hop lingo, (slang verbiage) and was to prove to you that I was hip once. It seems like, not so long ago, I was eons away from this horrible state of mind. Oh you know what state I am talking about. It was the most unholy bad word in my book once. That word...PRACTICAL. Oh vomit! I barely could stand to type it! I have spent the last week searching the world wide web for the dreaded P word in the form of a vehicle. For some reason, that is what dad's drive I guess and Jonah, I am told, wants...nay, NEEDS a four door practical vehicle. Oh say it ain't so baby Jonah! I mean come on BABY Jonah! Don't you want a cool dad with a gigantor 4X4 Jeep or Truck for our great outdoor adventures trekking and exploring the big bad wilderness? Or seeing how well the GTI can hold 100 MPH on the off ramp while screaming "YEeeeaaAA" out of the sunroof?! I remember when I was a kid and longed to be the one child dropped off at school by the one cool car, that the one cool dad had and the rest of us proclaimed "WHOA" in unison tighter than a Baptist Choir each and everyday. That one car earned our accolades by being soooo cool! That dad earned them! I can be that dad right?! What is so wrong with wanting to be cool for my son?!?! By golly gosh I have worked my keester raw to accomplish that goal! Alas, I sit here after a long night of looking at add after add of glorified minivans in the guise of SUVs, pretending, hoping, wishing it was cool, trying to trick myself into believing it...but come on, there is no "sport" in an SUV. So Jonah, I am apologizing now for the car I drop you off with on your first day of school because things aren't looking so good in the cool dad department thus far. Just know that when you and your friends are gawking at that one cool dad's car and proclaiming "WHOA" in perfect unison, your father is not just oblivious to his own lack of coolness. No, I too will be proclaiming "WHOA" in my dump of a practical vehicle, just as I had so many years ago.

Quote of the day

i am not interested in being wonderwoman in the delivery room...give me drugs

From Cheerio to Bagel?!?!

Oh how I have a new found respect for my dear sweet wife. We began the dreaded "Birthing" classes today! I have to say, there were no surprises until...The Video. OHHHH The Video. Oh good Lord, save us from the Video!!! I have to say, I reached another level in my manhood in those excruciating 20 minutes of my existence, locked in the cinematic torture chamber where they played this, this, this video. I attempted to look strong for my wife's sake, so she could feel good that her "support partner" seemed quite brave, quite strong, ready for anything. You know, so she had no idea that I was hiding how traumatized I really was by this video that not only showed the miracle of birth but also gave us a plethora of super odd naked ladies dancing back in forth in some sort of contractions pain dance, while seemingly running loose in this early 80's hospital with no clothes, no inhibitions and a camera crew. However, when I looked over at my dear sweet wife, I realize she has no idea what kind of amazing show of maturity and level headedness her dear husband was putting on for her! No she had her head not only covered, but completely submersed into the pillows that we were using for Prenatal massage as if she was a young child hiding from the boogieman or maybe trying to smoother herself to pass out and escape this dread filled video! Dear God how I wish she would hand me one of the pillows so I could do the same! So I sat there watching, trying to bury any emotion deep down inside me so I could hide the fact, from my dear sweet wife, that this Video was destroying my soul! Once it was over we all sat there in silence gasping for what little air was left in the room. In fact the instructor actually had us do breathing exercises and sort of mind and body relaxing meditation and then straight into the massage for our wives. That instructor knew she killed us all inside and tried to find a way to make up for it!

So before I could wright tonight as poor Allison was preparing herself for bed she asked me, "Please don't allow me to take my clothes off and make a fool of myself during delivery, PLEASE!" So I have decided that if she starts ripping clothes off and doing the contractions pain dance down the hallways, I suppose I will have to rip mine off and join her. So Allison, that is my gift to you. I will make a bigger fool out of myself for you. Now that is true love.

Where the happiness hides

Have you ever tried to make a pregnant lady happy in the midst of summer? Well Bella Panini did just that tonight!
http://www.bellapanini.com/

Get the Greek. Ok I am being told it is my bedtime. Me, over and out.